Transition: something that happens on the inside as change is happening on the outside. That feeling of dizzying disorientation when your whole world has shifted and you don’t quite know which end is up. Something we all go through, as our life happens to us, in stages and phases, at sign posts and turning points, again and again. Something ends, and before the new beginning shows up we go through a period of not knowing, where the next thing isn’t yet visible. What William Bridges has termed “The Neutral Zone”. It’s often an uncomfortable place to be. Yet it is so important to experience it fully, to let it transpire as it will, without rushing through to what lies ahead.

Here’s my idea: I’m going to blog about Transition in segments. First, I’m going to cover how to deal with this potentially unsettling time with grace and a sense of humor. I want to introduce the idea of Mindfulness (being fully aware in the moment in a non-judgemental way) as one way to cope. Then I’m going to talk about the importance of radical self care. Next I’ll write about tools and strategies to get through life changes and stages plan-fully rather than painfully. These tools include acceptance, letting go and asking for help, among others. I’ll also speak about some transition traps, like fear, future tripping and wanting to move too quickly through the Neutral Zone to the New Beginning. I also plan to address special issues for women in transition, such as divorce, codependency and the aging process.

Radical self care, or “exquisite self care” as I’ve recently heard it called, is a huge component of any smooth transition, and is a balm for the less than smooth ones. It refers to the activities we engage in that nourish our Body, Mind and Spirit during times of change. I have recently introduced the concept to many of my clients in the form of a worksheet that covers all three of the above sectors. We look at things they currently do to nurture their Bodies and brainstorm activities they’d like to try in this realm. The women I work with usually quickly mention eating healthy and exercise as activities they’re currently doing or want to do. We dig down from there into specifics (i.e. What kind of exercise?/ How many times a week?, etc.) We look at activities that are palatable and doable. No sense putting down “Climbing Mt. Everest” if that’s something that’s just not going to happen! We also look at activities like getting massages, facials or mani/pedi’s, weight loss, walking with a friend, etc.

I was going to write about Acceptance next, as another transformative tool that can help us through challenging situations. But before I do that, I feel called to write about Gratitude. “Gratitude bestows reverence, changing forever how we experience life and the world,” John Milton said. I had a long conversation this week with a friend who is experiencing a painful and difficult transition. There’s been the excruciating loss of a beloved pet, a recent move back to her childhood home state, family issues that aren’t unfolding as she would hope, among other things. My heart went out to her. I felt her deep sadness and disappointment. As I listened to her, I kept thinking about a powerful magic potion that can instantly change the channel: an attitude of gratitude. Sometimes finding even the littlest thing to be grateful for can create a happier frame of mind. And all it takes is a pen and a piece of paper and a willingness to find the good.

In the 12 Step World we talk a lot about an attitude of gratitude, the promises of the program and acceptance. These are all positive and worthy goals. To some, however, they may seem a little cloying or annoying, perhaps even simplistic and unrealistic. I can understand these reactions. When I’m in the midst of a difficult transition and dealing with life on life’s terms, I am often unlikely to look on the bright side. In fact, at times when I’m stuck in the quagmire of despair I can find it particularly frustrating when someone suggests I write a gratitude list, remember the promises or practice acceptance. Yet sometimes I can be resistant to the messages I most need to hear.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about endings, as I wrap up my time at a job I’ve been doing for three years, say good bye to clients and colleagues who are dear to me, and pack up my books and belongings once again. Endings necessitate letting go, another key transition tool. This is easier said than done, of course. Letting go takes practice. Lots of practice. It’s a skill much like forgiveness. Our very humanness, our pride and ego, gets in the way.

Along with Letting Go, another key to a smooth and successful transition is Forgiveness. Perhaps it’s not immediately clear how forgiveness relates to transition. I have found that holding onto resentments and anger at another, or even at myself, makes moving through a transition to the other side that much more harrowing. When I am embroiled in resentment, I have definitely not let go, in any way, shape or form. I am stuck in the quicksand of needing to be right. And, consequently, needing the other person to be wrong. Resentment is a poison I ingest, that does me far more harm than it does the person who has offended me. We hang onto and nurture our resentments for many reasons. First, anger can feel good; powerful, even, on some level. Secondly, my pride and my ego won’t allow me to let go of a deeply held belief or mindset, because if I admit that my enemy might be right, it threatens the delicate and precarious foundation of my ego and my separate sense of self.

So this last week I had a set back on my Transition Path.  These happen. I got in touch with some fear that I may have made a wrong decision. FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real… When I’m lost in fear I can’t see clearly. 

Another tool in my Transitions Tool Kit is asking for help. At times I have felt that I ought to be the Lone Ranger when I’m covering new territory. “I don’t want to bother anyone else, the phone weighs 1000 lbs., and I should just tough it out and handle things myself,” I tell myself gamely. This rarely works for me. I wind up feeling lost and lonely. I have discovered that although scary and potentially embarrassing, asking for help is always my best bet. This has proven true time and again.

Ever wondered what hope, faith and courage have to do with Transitions? As I see it we need to employ all three of these principles to make it through a challenging transition successfully.  We have to hope that things will get better, have faith that we will make it through a tough or unsettling time and courage to have the where-with-all to walk through a dark passageway into the light.